The illusions of ourselves

Last week I was writing about my introversion which to me seems one of my most noticeable personality traits. But this doesn’t seem to be the case at all – my best friend didn’t even consider me an introvert and what she was reading on my blog was something completely new for her. She is not the only one – there have been some other friends who have asked my whether I am an introvert or an extrovert, and their question always bewildered me, as I thought the answer could not be more obvious. But perhaps that’s not like that at all, who is right about what I am? Me who is supposed to know myself the best, or others, that may have a less biased, yet less deep knowledge of me? Perhaps no one? Their views still limited with their perception and the fact that they only see me when I feel social, and I also behave differently to them than to an average person as I know them and am much more relaxed with them. My perception is biased because of my previous experience such as my mean schoolmates saying that I’m antisocial, as well as that I have huge ears. Especially for the second one I now think it is completely ridiculous and absolutely not true. Thus, their opinion or words were not very relevant, but they still stayed somewhere in my subconscious mind.

Therefore, it is impossible to objectively say who you are, and at the same time your opinion of yourself and your self-esteem define you and determine how you’ll act, meaning that we are effectively living in our own illusion and following it with our actions. If instead of introverted I was called stupid I am sure I would not believe in my own success and I wouldn’t be able to get to Oxford (even though I anyway almost didn’t apply from that reason and am still occasionally wondering how I ever managed to get there). If we believe into something we surely achieve that faster and give up later when the trouble arises. Of course it is not always easy and believing in your own omnipotence with no work won’t bring you anywhere. However, without believing that you can achieve, reach something, without giving it at least a hint of hope, can you really ever succeed? After all, human beings are careful, we never want to do anything that is too risky with severe consequences, would we really waste our time doing something we firmly believe in advance cannot even in our dreams become successful?

I also think that the illusion we have of ourselves is not only determined by the external events and life experiences, but that we can also actively choose in what kind of illusion we want to live in. You can choose your own view on life and adapt your lifestyle as well as emotional happening so that it serves it and yourself. You can decide that life is something we need to enjoy and that it is our duty to be happy, and thus try to put pink glasses on and find happiness and good things in every corner of the life you’re living, or you can have a dimmer view and focus on your problems and pains, thus viewing life as an eternal struggle for survival. With the latter view even the people who objectively live a better life and would be expected to be happier than others they would not follow that expectation. It is up to everyone of us to decide what we want from life and live the life we want.  Pink glasses can’t always be worn though – it is normal that in some moments because of current events and feelings one can’t find the sun no matter how hard one tries. However, with optimism, the happiness can easily be found again.

I also think that your opinion of yourself also affects the view of the surrounding people on you. I’ve noticed in the recent years that whenever I become more interested, or perhaps better said, more excited for the other sex, as a reaction I almost immediately get more attention form them, although that at least consciously I do not change my behaviour or start flirting. Action – reaction, already Newton knew that. I don’t know what it’s all about, perhaps there are some subconscious changes in our behaviour that gives other people certain messages of which we are not even aware of, and perhaps they are also not even aware that they’re receiving them. I also think that when I make some effort to be more outgoing than I’d normally be, I start considering myself less introverted and, in this way, naturally become even more extroverted, as well as I manage to convince the people around me into that. It’s like a positive feedback loop. But it also works in the other direction – if my social life suffers for a bit or, even more importantly, if I don’t feel well around some people or if somebody makes a remark on my introversion and quietness, it increases and goes down in a spiral. It is hard to break those spirals going down to get back on the positive path. We often need some help from the people around us to do that.

But perhaps we can also help ourselves – by forcing ourselves and working hard to change our illusions and see ourselves as different, which would be followed by a different behaviour. Therefore, if I start very firmly believing that I’m an extrovert, I might become one. But of course, this is only theory and is easier said than done. Besides, despite complaining and “wanting” to change ourselves, I think we are often quite happy in our little bubble of comfort zone and wouldn’t be prepared to invest the effort needed to change, unless a lot was on stake.